Let's Talk About The Idaho Panhandle

I admit, I’m not very skilled when it comes to U.S. geography (if it isn't Florida, Michigan, Texas, or California, they all look like Wheat Thins to me).

Recently, while I was doing research for my newsletter about Montana, I saw something I'd never noticed before: There's a huge piece of Idaho wedged in between Montana and Washington.

Most people would see that, shrug, and move on to something more important. I am not most people. And that's why I'm fulfilling the foreshadowing note-to-self from the Montana diatribe by writing a newsletter devoted entirely to exploring the culture, factoids, and baseless theories pertaining to...

…The Idaho Panhandle 

They call it the Panhandle, or North Idaho, but I think these terms oversimplify something that goes much deeper than most people are willing to imagine. 

Also, why is the narrow part of a state called a panhandle? That’s not what they look like. If the handle of your pan reminds you of the top-left part of Florida, you’ve left it on the burner waaay too long.

Ok, so the first thing I want to touch on is how the top of the panhandle borders British Columbia, which means a decent number of BC residents look out their windows and see Idaho, and that makes me sadder than the part of Castaway when Tom Hanks finally comes home, only to find out Helen Hunt has moved on and is married to some guy she only kind of loves, has a daughter she tolerates at best, and lives in a house that isn't a home because Tom Hanks doesn't live there with her, and seeing him again makes her realize this, and when Tom sees her new life, it makes him wonder why he even bothered spending four years trying to get off that island if the life he was trying to get back to wasn't even there anymore - I'm NOT crying. My point is, some Canadians can see Idaho from their hoose, and it's less than ideal.

Photo by Lars Blankers on Unsplash

Boundary County: County Of Boundaries (I Assume)

The part of the Idaho panhandle I’m most interested in is the really narrow bit at the top, because I like to imagine someone on the left side calling out to someone on the right side like neighbors talking on opposite sides of a street. And I realize that area is actually many miles wide, rendering the above scenario impossible, but if you came to this newsletter expecting accuracy, logic, or realism, this must be your first time here. Hi, I’m Joe, and this is my newsletter. Take off your shoes and get ready for obscure pop culture references and opinions (eg: Shelley Duvall’s outfits in The Shining were fantastic).

A Few Actual Facts Before We Resume The Silliness

I know you’re here for ridiculousness, but I thought I should point out a few facts to prove how serious I am about getting to the bottom of this whole panhandle thing:

• The panhandle is actually isolated from the rest of Idaho due to the east-west mountain ranges that separate the state

• The residents are considered highly conservative and love hunting, which I found upsetting until I realized that might mean they contribute robustly to environmental and animal conservation and love hunting for bargains (I mean, don’t we all?)

• They grow trees for lumber and hops for beer (I assume they enjoy a beer or two before getting to their conservation work and bargain-hunting)

• The largest city in the panhandle is Coeur d’Alene, which means “heart of the awl”. It’s also the name French traders gave the local indigenous tribe instead of simply asking what they call themselves, which is like a new coworker walking into the break room while you’re eating cereal, and instead of asking your actual name, they just look at the spoon you’re using and decide to call you “Master Of Spoons”. Not cool, the French. Not cool.

Recreational Speculation - Can You Panhandle It?

Here are some of the things I think might be going on in the top-most part of the Idaho panhandle:

• They primarily listen to French covers of popular rock songs

• They measure things not in inches, but in “smidgens”

• Their favorite actor is Robert Wuhl

• When a task is complete, they say “That oughtta just about do ‘er”

• 1 in 3 residents works with their brother-in-law

• The average wedding dress costs 29.5 potatoes

• High school proms take place in a root cellar

• Everyone has a framed photo of JFK hanging in their mudroom

• They play a game with their Canadian neighbors in which the Idahoan shouts the most obscenely vile insult they can think of, and the Canadian apologizes for it

• They vacation in Boise and come back with a new accent like a high school student who spent 2 weeks in Europe

• Their favorite movie is Twister (another great film in which Helen Hunt won’t let herself be happy)

Photo by Jennifer Grismer on Unsplash

So, What Did We Learn?

Not a lot, actually, but it was a fun little journey, wasn’t it? Sometimes it’s nice to ignore our responsibilities in favor of a quick deep-dive into something most people already know or don’t care about (and after all, isn’t that the real meaning of Christmas?)

Peace & Love,

Joe